


Distraction

by grossalien



Category: South Park
Genre: Coon and Friends - Freeform, Cooniverse, M/M, kyle is in denial
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-11
Updated: 2020-11-11
Packaged: 2021-03-09 21:54:20
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,680
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27513406
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/grossalien/pseuds/grossalien
Summary: Kyle never thought the person he hated the most could be anything but insufferable. Until he met the Coon.
Relationships: Kyle Broflovski/Eric Cartman, Kyle Broflovski/The Coon
Comments: 12
Kudos: 92





	Distraction

**Author's Note:**

> Based on the never ending talks I have with my girlfriend about why Kyle is so quiet as the Human Kite.

The entire alliance was sitting at the table in Cartman’s basement and had been for the last half an hour. It was way past seven and the fatass was nowhere to be seen. How could you be late to a meeting in your own house?

“Jesus Christ, he’s taking forever.” Toolshed complained, looking at his yellow drill with boredom. “I don’t think I can wait much longer.”

“Yeah...” Mosquito agreed, tone more nasal than usual. “My mom is gonna be so mad if I’m late to dinner...”

“Can anyone call him?” Mysterion requested, although it sounded more like an order due to his low and throaty voice.

“Already did, he’s not picking up.” Tupperware held up his phone, his lips pursed in discontentment.

“Timmy!” Iron Maiden interjected helpfully.

Everyone’s exasperation turned into a commotion as the kids realized their evening was almost gone and they hadn’t gotten anything done. 

“Guys, let’s just wait five more minutes, okay?” The Human Kite finally spoke. “If he doesn’t appear, then we’ll go home.”

His friends begrudgingly accepted. As if the guy had been hearing the entire conversation, Cartman, or rather, The Coon, slammed his basement’s door open, stunning the superheroes into silence. Dramatically, he climbed down the stairs eyeing the guests. It was clear he was proud of his costume and he wanted everyone to appreciate it. 

“Fucking finally, fata-” The Human Kite turned to scold him and was rendered speechless by the sight. 

Had he heard of the Coon? Yeah, obviously. Cartman wouldn’t shut up about it, constantly trying the others to get interested in the new vigilante and failing spectacularly at the task. Nobody cared about the Coon. Proof enough was the fact that he managed to unmask Mysterion and the media only mentioned him as an irrelevant detail in the story. Cartman had also complained about that too, a lot. So now, of course he wanted to take his sweet time with his entrance. Under normal circumstances, Kyle would’ve laughed at the idiot but, unfortunately, this wasn’t the case. 

The Coon stood in front of him (and everyone else, for that matter) with his raccoon based costume and an insufferable smirk on his face. “Yeah, yeah, spare me the nagging, Kyle.” He brushed his friend off. “Are we ready to start, then?”

“We’ve been ready for hours.” Mysterion stated, completely unamused and the rest agreed with him. For some reason, Kenny had decided his superhero persona would be the most stoic dude ever. He was decidedly one of the guys taking it the most seriously here.

“Alright then.” The Coon grinned wide, clearly uncaring of his friends’ annoyance. “Let the first meeting of Coon and Friends, begin!”

His rival started talking and probably most of what he was saying was bullshit but Kyle couldn’t pay attention to his words for once. He was too preoccupied with the display he was witnessing. 

Cartman was unpleasant, selfish, bigoted, obnoxious, stupid and more insults the redhead couldn’t bother to remember at the present moment. In short, he was the complete opposite of anyone remotely appealing. He was an insufferable existence Kyle sadly had to put up with, every single day.

The Human Kite blinked, hoping there was something stuck in his eye. Alas, no matter how much he closed his eyes, what laid in front of him remained the same. 

The spandex suit, clearly a size or two too small for the boy, was tight against the Coon’s body, highlighting its roundness. Kyle was more than sure that the C imprinted at the center had been done by Cartman himself, which gave him an unfamiliar pang of fondness. A completely unnecessary belt for accessories adorned his waist and a cliché red cape hung from his shoulders. The metal claws, meant to look menacing, were a tad too try-hard, what kind of male superhero scratched his opponents anyway? The dark mask featured a raccoon-like snout and had bushy fake eyebrows on top. The boy’s brown hair was tidier than usual and a pair of fake ears rested on his head. Most likely cat ears customized to fit the theme. And last but not least, there was the tail. A big, fat, fake raccoon tail probably coming from his butt.

Kyle exhaled heavily, placing his shaky hand on his forehead. Having forgotten to breathe, he felt dizzy. This time, he closed his eyes for a few seconds, trying to process his thoughts. How could this be?

How was this possible?

Cartman looked fucking adorable.

Was Kyle sick? Did he have a fever? Or maybe some unknown disease that killed your brain cells slowly to the point you found your worst enemy to be as cute as a kitty?

Shit. Something was wrong. Something was definitely wrong with him. That was the only explanation. It couldn’t be his mind was trying to convince him of- No, no, no way. He had to leave. 

He stood up quickly, the metal chair scraping loudly and startling everyone. Feeling self-conscious, he froze. 

“Kyle…?” Toolshed called his name, dropping the act out of confusion.

All eyes were on him and his cheeks heated out of embarrassment. 

“What the hell, Human Kite?! I was in the middle of an important explanation!” The Coon protested, opening his arms. The aforementioned pointedly avoided gazing in his direction.

“Hey, you don’t get to complain!” Toolshed retorted. “You took fucking forever to arrive!”

“Human Kite, are you okay?” Mysterion asked with such concern that it made Kyle feel bad for worrying his friends like that. 

“Y-Yeah” He stuttered and sat down. “I just…you know…” He trailed off, hoping the rest would drop it. 

The Coon raised an eyebrow in skepticism. “Anyway.” He cleared his throat. “As I was saying, before the Human Kite had a seizure, we have to organize to kick out the homeless in the town and…”

Now that the attention was back on the host, relief washed all over Kyle. Nobody noticed his blushed cheeks, thank god. He internally praised himself for choosing a costume with a hood. 

More than ever, he was convinced he was sick. He only had to hold on until the meeting was over, go home, take some meds, rest and then poof! Gone forever. No more surreal thoughts about wanting to touch the Coon’s fake ears or tail, or...wanting to hug his soft-looking body...or...wanting to see him....meow...or…

Kyle shook his head vehemently. He was just vulnerable, obviously. Cartman was the same asshole he had always been and a costume wouldn’t change that. No matter how fluffy and squishy the Coon seemed , it was all part of a massive hallucination induced by his own body trying to kill the virus. He briefly imagined a million of tiny Coons trying to invade his body. He really needed to get well as soon as possible.

With great effort, the boy spent the rest of the meeting focusing on a wide range of subjects, such as Stan’s drill, probably belonging to his father, the boring shade of grey of the walls or Tupperware’s frankly ridiculous costume. It was a hard task, considering the Coon himself was right next to him and that his eyes, drawn on the table, were looking at him. Or were they? 

Once the meeting was called off, Kyle was the first to stand up and run to the exit, catching everyone’s attention. He quickly muttered a ‘Just remembered I forgot to do my homework!” before disappearing through the door. He just couldn’t wait any longer.

When he arrived home, he quietly went upstairs, sneaked into his mom’s bathroom to get some pills, god forbid she found out he was sick, and quickly changed into his pajamas. By the time Sheila knocked on his door, Kyle was already in bed.

“Bubbie, dinner is ready.” His mom announced after opening the door.

“Oh, I’m not hungry.” Kyle mumbled from under the covers, he was only barely looking at the window, too scared to face her.  
“Is everything okay?” She asked, her voice already brimming with worry. 

“Yeah, I’m just a bit tired.” He replied, trying to sound like it. “It was a long day at school...I had a lot of homework...I just wanna sleep.” Holding his breath, he avoided making any additional noises such as clearing his throat or coughing because that would only land him into the hospital before he could blink. 

“Oh...okay.” The woman didn’t sound entirely convinced. “Rest well, bubbie, I’ll leave it in the microwave if you’re hungry later.”

“Thanks, Ma.” Now Kyle was trying not to sound too grateful or she might think he was faking his illness, which he most definitely wasn’t.

The door closed and the boy breathed out. He wasn’t lying but it would’ve been really strange to explain to his mom the symptoms of his sickness. Exhaustion suddenly took over and before too soon he was already sound asleep.

___________________________________________________________________________

Kyle woke up well rested the following morning but he was still nervous. Nervous that he would still see Cartman in the same light he had last night, terrified even. He barely had any breakfast due to the knot in his stomach and when he finally walked to the bus stop he couldn’t help but drag his feet. Upon arrival, he saw Stan was already there, of course he was. 

“Hey dude!” His best friend greeted him.

“Hey!” Kyle waved, quickly recomposing himself and standing next to the guy.

“What happened yesterday? You were all weird and quiet.” Stan inquired, genuinely curious.

“Yeah I was just…” The redhead averted his gaze as he spoke, he couldn’t look at people’s eyes when he lied. “I was just really tired and some homework left to do…”

“Oh…” His friend hummed.

They stood in awkward silence. Kyle’s mind started wandering over the events of last night, of Cartman’s fuzzy tail and pointy ears, of his mischievous smirk and and alluring metal claws and of the way the attire made him feel-

“So did you finish?” Stan interfering with his reverie.

“F-Finish?” The other repeated with nervousness.

“Yeah.” Upon seeing the confusion in Kyle’s face, he explained. “Your homework.”

“Ah!” God damn he was slow today. “Yeah, totally.”

Now Stan was raising his eyebrow at him in suspicion. “Is something-”

“What’s up, assholes!” A voice cut in with either incredibly fortunate or unfortunate timing, depending on how you looked at the situation. 

For Kyle it was a great interruption because now he could avoid Stan’s questioning.

But it was also a terrifying one because the voice belonged to no other than Eric Cartman, the guy he least wanted to see in the whole universe at the moment. Well, more than usual at least. 

His breath immediately started hitching, a gesture that he hoped would go unnoticed by his buddy, and in slow motion, that could only be part of a horror movie scene, he turned to meet his rival, already feeling the sweat form on his temple.

There he stood, looking smug as usual, with his hands inside the pockets of his red jacket and his blue hat covering his hair completely. Just a stupid, fat boy that seemed like he was spout some intolerant bullshit at any second.

And Kyle had never been happier to see him. He had never been happier to feel the usual rage that accumulated in the pit of his stomach everytime the fatass entered his field of vision. He was just like always, completely and utterly fucking intolerable.

“Oh, hey Cartman!” Kyle exclaimed with almost enthusiasm. 

“Hey.” Stan followed.

Their morning chatter began, with Kenny joining them soon after, and Cartman was annoying and he was moronic and he was fucking impossible and Kyle was overjoyed to see nothing had changed between them. Absolutely nothing. He was truly sick yesterday.

___________________________________________________________________________

The rest of the day went just as usual, classes, lunch and then some more classes before going home. When the ball rang, Kyle felt something pull him back by his jacket. Fearing he would fall, he automatically gripped his desk. Cartman’s face appeared by his left side.

“The next Coon and Friends meeting is happening on saturday. Mom said I can invite friends over. We can eat KFC and stuff.” The little asshole whispered like it was a government secret. “Tell everyone else.” 

“Huh?” Kyle hadn’t really processed any of the words that had been said to him due to his current lack of balance, making him fear his skull was two seconds away from cracking in half. Also, the fatso was way too close.

Cartman squinted at him with irritation. “The fucking meeting, Kyle!” He mumbled with gritted teeth. “Are you still fucking braindead?!”

Man, he really had some nerve holding him like that and then insulting him. Kyle elbowed him and fell back into place with a clank. “Don’t fucking touch me! And I’m not your personal messenger, use the goddamn chat!” He yelled at him and stood up to leave, only receiving a groan in response. Fucking bitch.

___________________________________________________________________________

Kyle hummed as he walked to Cartman’s house, bag in hand and already dressed as the Human Kite. Cartman might be a stupid asshole but he sure had the best sleepovers because his mom would let him order whatever and stay up until whenever. It really was a taste of freedom.

He had to ring the bell twice before Liane opened the door, displaying her usual gentle smile. “Oh, sorry for the wait, Kyle! Come on in!”

“Thank you ma’am.” Kyle walked in. It was true they teased Cartman a lot about his mother’s habits but she was definitely attractive and it was very strange that her son didn’t seem to have inherited any of that.

“Eric is in the basement already!” She signaled at the door before covering her mouth, hiding a smile. “Well, you already know this house. Have fun, sweetie!”

Momentarily bedazzled, Kyle stayed still, staring at her friend’s mother before coming back to Earth. “Yeah.” He articulated and turned around. He still had the woman’s smile in his mind while going down the stairs. And thus, didn’t see what was waiting for him. 

“Oh, hey, Kyle.” Cartman pronounced between munches, his hand full of chips. Already dressed as the Coon, he was sitting with his feet on the table. 

Kyle stopped on his tracks and his throat tightened. “...Cartman.” He acknowledged the other. 

As he resumed walking, he did his best to convince himself he was only overreacting and that everything was fine. It was all under control and he did not find Cartman any-

Passing by the table, he tragically noticed Cartman’s feet had little fake claws on them. Unforgivable. It was all over for him.

Trying to seem natural, he reached for the other end of the table, as far away from the Coon as possible. The latter was puzzled. 

“You wanna sit on the corner while you’re at it?” He suggested sarcastically. 

The Human Kite just shrugged while looking at an undefined point. Hopefully his general contempt towards Cartman would be a valid excuse.

“Whatever.” The Coon rolled his eyes while munching on his snack, clearly bothered. 

It was weird for things to be quiet between them but the last thing Kyle wanted was to engage with the guy. It was hard enough to be in the same room as him. He started bouncing his leg in anxiety while Cartman checked his phone with boredom. A snap was heard but, determined not to interact, Kyle ignored it. Seconds later, his phone beeped, it was a notification from the Coon and Friends group chat. Intrigued, he pressed on it only to find a picture of him with the caption ‘check out human kite becoming artistic lol’. 

“Fuck you.” The redhead, eyes still glued to the screen. “And that’s not even the right word, dumbass.”

His fat friend chuckled in delight. Kyle had to hand it to him, he did appear to be completely out of it in the photo: empty expression, slightly hunched, arms held closely to his body and so stiff he looked like a wooden toy. And not a very cute one. Maybe his illness was more serious than he initially considered. Should he call his mom?

He didn’t have time to ruminate a lot because the rest of his friends arrived, promptly filling the place and distracting Kyle with their chatter. Not entirely though, yet it was still miles away better than being alone with the Coon. 

The problem was, of course, when the meeting started and everyone’s attention was on their leader (some would disagree with that title, however). He had no excuse to not pay attention, nevertheless he tried with all his might. It worked a good portion of the time but sometimes he unconsciously left his mind drift astray and his eyes landed on that cursed tail. The hardest part was trying to seem normal, Stan kept glancing at him because Kyle wasn’t even making an effort to appear involved in the discussion when normally it was the opposite. “Baby steps.” He told himself. 

It felt like it had been one hundred years when Cartman finally ended the meeting to order junk food. While everyone headed upstairs, including their host, Stan stayed back. 

“Are you okay? You didn’t say anything this time either.” The raven-haired boy interrogated.

Since was his friend this observant? Or was it really that obvious when Kyle wasn’t arguing with Cartman? He forced a smile. “Yeah, I’m fine, it’s just been a really long week and I’m not in the mood to deal with the fat ass.” Technically, he wasn’t lying.

“Makes sense, I guess.” Stan nodded faintly. 

The good news was that as soon as Cartman changed into his pajamas, the effect was gone and Kyle no longer felt weak at the knees upon gazing at him. As such, the rest of the evening went smoothly, they ate fried chicken until they felt like puking, played games until past midnight (taking turns with the controllers of course) and talked about irrelevant matters until, one by one, they fell prey to sleep. Save for Kyle. The poor guy couldn’t stop thinking about it. Couldn’t stop thinking about the Coon. He wondered if he had died and gone to hell because this sure seemed a lot like it. If only he could touch then maybe- no, no, no, what was he thinking? No touching. And no thinking about touching either. This had to end. He couldn’t be charmed by his friend-not-friend superhero persona; it simply wasn’t right. Kyle had to be stronger than this.  
___________________________________________________________________________

The little sleep he got was filled with nightmares he couldn’t even remember what they were about upon waking up except for a vague sense of dread. After breakfast, everyone headed their ways. Kyle wanted answers so he searched online if there was a logical explanation for his behavior. He found out there was such a thing called ‘furries’, however, upon looking them up he found out he felt no attraction whatsoever to them. 

So, the good news was that he wasn’t weird about fake ears and fake tails in general. The bad news was that it was Cartman specifically the one affecting him. That was terrible news, actually. He almost preferred to be interested in complete strangers wearing mascot suits. At least that would be easier to explain than having a weakness to Cartman’s raccoon persona. Anything would be easier to explain than this in all honesty. He was considering getting psychiatric help or, even better, getting checked in a mental asylum. Except that would mean to admit he found a facet of his archrival cute and he wasn’t sure he wanted to tarnish his reputation like that. I mean, how do you come back from finding the worst guy in the entire planet adorable? How do you recover from such a blow? 

Kyle briefly considered dropping from Coon and Friends but it wasn’t in his nature to run away from things. Especially not when they involved Cartman. He couldn’t let the fat asshole beat him, no, he had to defeat his unfortunate condition and emerge victorious from the situation. He had to and he knew this because there was no way in hell he would be able to forgive himself if he let a stupid costume win against his determination. He had been through worse, and from the hands of his enemy nonetheless, this was a piece of cake. 

Of course, easier said than done. The next Coon and Friends meetings were a living torture to Kyle. The effect the Coon had on him didn’t diminish over time, in fact, it almost felt like it got worse. He couldn’t even tell if he was getting better at pretending or everyone had just assumed the Human Kite was a quiet, brooding superhero type. In any case, it was good Stan had stopped interrogating him. Around that timespan, Bradley joined the gang and, although Kyle couldn’t care less about the kid and his confusing superpower, it was a good distraction for the gang. Anything that could deviate any possible attention on his unusual behavior was more than welcome.

It was during class, when he saw Cartman and Wendy argue over yet another hot-button issue that he was suddenly reminded she had once been into the insufferable douche. It seemed like a lie that it ever happened because she got over it extremely fast and they were in a hate-hate relationship ever since. If Kyle’s memory didn’t fail him, she went back to normal after kissing him in front of everyone at the flag debate. Well, he was sure grateful he didn’t feel that way about Cartman or else his options would be pretty grim. This was definitely a great clue, though. Wendy acted on her crush to make it fade away so Kyle would have to act on his...fixation? Maybe that was the solution. But how would he do it without raising suspicions? Kyle preferred death to Cartman finding out he had a weakness for his costume. 

Feeling more hopeful, the boy spent the following days machinating how to effectively quench his obsession with the Coon. Eventually, he came to the inevitable conclusion that he would have to try touching either his tail or ears and observe how his brain would react to it. Yet, the task was harder than he could have ever imagined. The guy always sat on the end of the table so he wasn’t within Kyle’s reach even if the latter sat at his immediate right (or left). When his mom drove them somewhere, Cartman always picked the co-pilot seat which unfortunately made sense so Kyle really couldn’t complain about it. When they went walking to a neighbor house to save some old lady’s cat, the fat ass of course walked in front of them, acting as their leader and whatnot. While in their regular attires, Kyle would have killed to have Cartman stop casually touching him, the total opposite occurred here; his rival was way too into their game and insisted on maintaining a sort of cool and edgy attitude when they were on missions. In a way, this was relieving to him, it wasn’t really Cartman the one he was inexplicably charmed by, it was _the Coon_.

One particularly frustrating day, consisting of little sleep (because he kept thinking of the Coon), an underwhelming grade (because he was too distracted thinking of the goddamn Coon to study properly) and the fucking culprit of everything making more jabs at him than usual, Kyle really felt like he was dangerously close to snapping. When classes ended and the alert for his next Coon and Friends beeped, the boy felt like giving up. Seriously the whole thing was so unfair, he was a good person, a good student, a good son, he deserved better than dealing with a curse this humiliating. Why couldn’t someone else have this? He had tried his best his whole life, for god’s sake! Couldn’t he just get a break? For fucking once?!

Begrudgingly, Kyle headed to his bastard friend’s house after getting changed. Bad luck decided to back off by having him arrive after a few of the other superheroes. Thank fucking fuck, at least he wouldn’t have to share another insanely awkward silence with the fat turd. There was something different with this meeting, though. This time, Kyle didn’t avoid laying his eyes on the raccoon-like superhero. In fact, he was staring at him intensely and if looks could kill, let’s just say Cartman would be chopped up in little bits already. Wouldn’t that be fantastic? If the douchebag dropped dead, just like that. It would make Kyle’s life so much easier, in every single aspect. God, if you’re out there. If you’re fucking out there…

The Human Kite was so caught in his murderous delusions that he missed their cue to leave, only snapping out of it because a certain jerk was calling him.

“Hello? Earth to Human Kite?” The Coon waved his hand close to Kyle’s face. “Oh, dude, that’s totally an awesome pun right there, you’re welcome.”

The other simply blinked and, without losing a beat, retorted dryly. “It’s fucking stupid.” He slapped the hand away from his face.

Completely unaffected, Cartman faked a surprised expression. “Have you taken your birth control pills lately, Kahl? Because your period came again!” He exclaimed.

“I don’t-” Kyle began but the stupid bitch had already turned away, angering him further. “Wait.” He said but, predictably enough, Cartman didn’t stop walking.The bulb turned on in Kyle’s head as he eyed the tail that was within his grasp. Too tired and too pissed to think it over, he grabbed it firmly.

The effect was instantaneous, the soft furriness sending an electric wave through his body. His insides were buzzing with excitement as he pulled from the tail almost unconsciously. “Wow.” He let out, completely marveled. His fingers ran through the fur and he closed his eyes, concentrating on memorizing the sensation. He was so drunk in it that he completely forgot about the existence attached to it. 

“What the hell are you doing?!” The unfortunate existence spoke, interrupting Kyle’s wonderful experience. 

Slowly, the boy opened his eyes and was immediately met with the sight of Cartman’s bewildered face. Uh oh. He let go of the tail and attempted to explain but his mouth wouldn’t produce a sound. Great. 

Sounding deadpan out of shock, the brunette talked again. “What the hell. Was that.” He looked almost horrified.

Fuck. Fuck! This was by far the worst situation Kyle could have ever found himself in. It was one thing to be caught red-handed but he couldn’t begin to imagine how overjoyed he must have looked, if the sensation he had felt was anything to go by. “I...uhm...I…” It was useless, nothing came to him. Nothing besides the fluffiness that was no longer in the palm of his hand. 

“Were you getting off to my tail?!” The Coon exclaimed. 

The Human Kite almost jumped over the accusation. “What?! No!” 

“Oh my god! I gotta tell everyone...” The stupid specimen thought outloud as he took his phone out of his pocket. “Fucking Kyle is a goddamn-”

“You will not do such a thing.” Kyle stated, standing up and taking a step in Cartman’s direction, in an effort to look menacing instead of the bundle of nerves he actually was. 

Of course, his archrival would not fall prey easily to cheap tactics. “And why the fuck not?” He inquired, completely unimpressed.

“Because...because…” As the Human Kite searched deeply inside his brain for a genuinely good reason to convince the other not to out him as a total freak, his eyes noticed the cat ears resting on his enemy’s head. God damn, they were even cuter up close. The real question was: how did they feel? His curiosity getting the best of him for the second time in the evening, his hand reached to touch one of them. 

Oh shit...damn...to say it was soft would be an understatement. It was smooth. And warm. And extremely lovely. He was fucked up. He was so fucked up. And that was only one ear? What if he touched the other? As he began to raise his arm, he was abruptly awakened from his reverie. 

“Kyle?” Cartman called him but this time there was no cockiness in his tone, just confusion and maybe even some worry. 

The aforementioned lowered his eyes and his heart skipped a beat over the display in front of him. The helplessness was washing over the Coon’s features: his eyebrows were raised and furrowed, his eyes widened in surprise and his lips only slightly parted. He was just a cornered animal with nowhere to go. Despite everything, Kyle expected for the tail and the ears to feel amazing to the touch. However, he wasn’t prepared for this, not by a landslide. 

In an abrupt change of plans, the hand that had been stopped mid-air, changed its course and went towards the raccoon-like mask. Slowly, he removed it from his friend’s face, revealing flushed cheeks and flusteredness. There was a deathly silence in the room and Kyle is almost sure time has stopped. His body is moving on his own when he leans in to close the space between their mouths. 

It was far from being his first kiss but it was definitely the most unpredictable one. With Rebecca, he had hoped to get a kiss from her the whole time and with Bebe, well, it was part of playing Truth and Dare. And now, here was, giving a peck to Eric Cartman, completely unprompted. If someone came in, right here and right now, and asked him why he was kissing his worst enemy, Kyle wouldn't be able to answer. He had no idea why he did that, or rather, was doing that. If he were to be honest, he didn’t feel the slightest grossed out about it if only a little weirded out that the other was not responding.

When he pulled away and opened his eyes, he was met with an even more troublesome sight. Troublesome because...Cartman, no, _the Coon_ looked cuter than before. Face entirely red and lips trembling, it was like all trace of the person under the costume was gone. This wasn’t the fat ass he knew and loathed, and that made all the sense in the world to Kyle. No wonder he felt like kissing him. No wonder he felt like touching his face...and…

The Coon inhaled sharply as Kyle cupped his cheeks and that should’ve been a warning to the latter that he was venturing into dangerous territories.

But it didn’t work. At all.

It had the opposite effect, to be quite frank. 

With more boldness, the redhead went in for a second kiss, hands still on the sides of his rival’s face and his voice of conscience gone for the time being.

The moment their lips touched again it was like the brunette came back to life, responding with inhibited fervor, tightly clutching onto the Human Kite’s shirt. If Kyle didn’t know him better, he would think the boy was shy but entranced. However, this obviously wasn’t the case, this was simply...simply...actually, what the fuck were the doing?!

Startled, he jumped back, only barely avoiding falling on his ass. Did his brain just turn off for the past minute and a half? Holding his head, he tries to remember the events leading to this tragedy. Oh, that 's right. The tail. 

He cleared his throat loudly, eyes on the ceiling. “So as I said...If you tell anyone about the tail...I’ll tell everyone about...this.” He gestured at their mouths and wished for his bravado to pull through. This was improvisation, evidently, there was no way in hell he could’ve never killed his pride like this for blackmail material. Which, in all certainty, only made matters worse for his sanity. “Got it?” He exclaimed. 

Cartman...or rather, The Coon was looking at him but it really felt like he wasn’t there at all. Vacant stare and completely unresponsive, the boy was transfixed and it was kind of scary to behold. 

“So, uh…if you got it, I’ll go home now.” Kyle awkwardly stated and walked by his friend’s to reach the stairs. It was best to leave now before anything worse happened. He just kept going and didn’t look back. 

___________________________________________________________________________

Kyle tossed and turned around a lot that night, fearing that when he woke up again, the fatass would’ve told the entire school he, Kyle Broflovski, was a raging homo. Which, obviously wasn’t a bad thing but for starts, he wasn’t but most importantly he didn’t have the hots for Eric Cartman. He was just a growing boy that lost control of the situation. It was normal for these things to happen if you didn’t have someone with whom to experiment on. It’s not like he needed a girlfriend but if he had a girlfriend this certainly wouldn’t have happened. Definitely not. 

With this shaky belief, he managed to get some sleep, not without some mandatory nightmares he preferred not to recall. The next morning while he walked to the bus stop he mentally prepared his defense. _Cartman is a piece of shit liar, Stan, of course I’d never touch him, are you serious? Kenny, don’t look at me like that! You know he’s full of shit!_

Stan and Kenny were already there when he arrived which made his stomach knot. Inhaling, he greeted them. “Hey guys!” 

The seconds in which they stopped talking to turn towards him felt like an eternity to Kyle. _Here it comes, you got this. Remember there’s no evidence and everyone knows Cartman’s an asshole._

“Oh, hey Kyle!” Stan smiled briefly at him before continuing his chatter. Kenny waved at him. 

He…

He was safe?!

Exhaling in relief, Kyle stood next to them, counting his blessings. Unless-

Unless the fat turd was waiting to tell them face to face, catching Kyle completely off guard. Now that would be a diabolic move. Just about the kind of shit King Douchebag would be up to. 

Just like clockwork, a red jacket appeared by the corner of his eye. Slowly but safely, the owner of the jacket was heading towards them. With the seriousness of a man who’s heading to war, Kyle sucks in air deeply. He was going to win this fight or die trying.  
“Did anyone do the math homework? I totally forgot.” Was the first sentence to come out of Cartman’s mouth. Kyle’s jaw fell open dramatically.

_What?_

“I did.” Stan replied. “But I don’t think I got it right…” He trailed off, gazing at the sky.

_Huh?_

Kenny muffled something of the likes of “I did but I’m sure it’s completely wrong.” and shrugged. 

_Huh?!?!_

The walking nightmare stared at Kyle. “Well?” 

_What homework? What about last night?!_

After a couple of seconds without receiving a response, Cartman snorted. “I guess someone else forgot, too.”

His pride taking over, Kyle recomposed himself. “I didn’t forget. But I’m not giving it to you, fat ass.” He might have had a crisis yesterday but he would die before not doing his homework. 

“Psh, whatever.” His rival muttered. 

The bus arrived, interrupting their encounter. As usual, Kyle sat with his best friend, his mind still a whirlwind of thoughts while the landscape outside the window began to move.

___________________________________________________________________________

For the remainder of the day Cartman acted so normal towards him that Kyle started to believe he had some kind of memory gap. The asshole had never been good at keeping secrets, not that he knew at least, and it was a more than perfect chance to ruin Kyle’s life forever so why the fuck wouldn’t he take it? What was he planning? This was almost worse than being hypothetically hate crimed. Then again, he wasn’t gay so it would be more of a false accusation with possible harrassment. 

With the passage of time, though, it became clear his fat ‘friend’ had no intention of bringing the incident back. No teasing comments, no inner jokes, no slightly-longer-than-usual stares. Everything was back just as usual. 

And although this should've made Kyle glad, it didn’t. 

It both confused and upset him. How could Cartman act like nothing had happened? They fucking kissed! The guy he hated had kissed him! Twice! And he was behaving like everything was fine and dandy between them! What the hell? What the absolute fuck! 

Kyle had gone from being unable to sleep because of The Coon’s appearance to being unable to sleep because of Cartman’s behavior. On one hand, it was something he was more accostumed to, on the other, it wasn’t unfortunately about his bigoted attitude as usual. 

The redhead was the type to quickly address when something bothered him but there really was no way to complain to Cartman about his lack of reaction over their shared kiss without sounding, well, without sounding gay as hell. So, very against his nature, Kyle decided to keep quiet about it and hope eventually he would forget about it just like the stupid fucker seemed to have done. 

And so, the days started passing again, until the next Coon and Friends meeting took place. For once, he wasn’t apprehensive about meeting the Coon again, rather, he was...looking forward to it, in fact. There was still some nervousness to it, of course but he was confident that what happened last time wouldn’t repeat itself. If anything, maybe that was what Kyle needed to move on from his fascination with the raccoon-like persona. Oh, how busy had been getting angry at Cartman in the past week but wasn’t this a blessing in disguise? Perhaps, he was free at last. 

With this mindset, Kyle optimistically headed to Cartman’s house, arriving when several of the others had already taken their seats. There was chatter and laughter and when the Coon walked in dramatically the Human Kite didn’t feel that familiar knot in his throat. 

Oh god, it really was over. 

Unexplainable joy spread all over the boy’s chest, feeling calm for the first time in weeks and maybe months. The meeting went great, or maybe it was that Kyle was only getting to experience what it was to play superheroes without the additional pressure of not having his archrival find out he was enchanted by his costume. No more fiddling, sweating and tensing up everytime the Coon walked around the table. No more suffering. He was regular Kyle Broflovski once again! And he couldn’t be happier with that!

As the reunion came to an end, the Human Kite saw no point in rushing to leave so he stayed behind looking at his phone. When he looked up, everyone was gone except the host. 

Oh.

At once, the pleasant sensation inside his chest disappeared. It was just the two of them, again.

Again.

Like that last time.

The memory of their kisses flashed through Kyle’s mind. 

“Cartman.” He spoke sternly. 

“Hmm?” The boy was checking out his merch, not even looking at Kyle. 

Kyle paused, thinking his next words carefully. “Did you really not tell anyone?” It wasn’t necessary to specify what he was referring to.

There was a brief silence. “I didn’t.” Cartman replied.

“Why?” As he inquired, he noticed the mask was on the table.

Still not facing him, the brunette shrugged. “You told me not to.”The affirmation was like a brick thrown at Kyle’s head. “That’s it?” He muttered. 

No response. Quietly, he got up and started walking towards the Coon. Something was off. No way in hell the guy would actually listen to him. 

“Cartman.” He called him a second time, this time more serene. 

Again, no response but Kyle didn’t care since the space between them decreased by the second. “Cartman.” He repeated.

“What.” The fat ass was clearly avoiding staring at him at this point.

“Look at me.” Kyle placed a hand on his shoulder and turned him around. 

Now, it was different. The Coon’s eyebrows were furrowed in mild annoyance, his lips faintly pursed and his cheeks puffed. He wasn’t powerless like last time, he was on the defense. Behind that, though, the tiniest expectation. Kyle could tell.

Because he was feeling it too. 

In a flash, they were kissing again, the Human Kite pushing him against the shelf containing the Coon-themed shirts and plushes while the latter was furiously grabbing onto his clothed shoulders. It only lasted a few seconds but when they separated, both kids were out of air.

Wordlessly, Kyle turned away and headed towards the exit, smirking so imperceptibly that not even he noticed. 

That night, he slept like a literal baby. 

___________________________________________________________________________

It was like they had an unspoken arrangement. During the day and around everyone, they were Kyle and Cartman, the kids that hated each other. At night and when there was no one else around, they were the Human Kite and the Coon who liked kissing each other (and sometimes held hands during it). It was a bit like the double life superheroes lead. Kyle got to berate Cartman for being horrible like he always had, he just happened to smooch his raccoon persona when they were alone. He was still himself. Nothing had changed, he just had a little secret now. A secret that, somehow, was safe in the hands of his worst enemy. 

Amazingly enough, the Human Kite could now work normally during the Coon and Friends meetings. Well, almost. He would always be a little too charmed by the costume except he was currently in control. He was a fully functional kite. 

The Coon even let him touch his tail and ears now without questioning. It was pretty damn awesome to pet all that fluffiness and not feel like he was risking his dignity for it. A few times, caught up in his daydreaming, he ended stroking the neatly combed brown hair as well but they all went unmentioned. They actually didn’t talk much while they were doing this stuff. It would kill the magic. Remind them of who they were. They wanted as much distance to their ‘normal’ selves as they could. It’s also why they never did anything while wearing their regular clothes. Not like Kyle had any need. Regular Cartman was still the same idiot he always had been and he didn’t find him appealing in the least. 

One particular evening, after the two had finished snogging but still wanted to be in each other’s company for a little more, the Coon broke the silence. 

“I’ve been working on the franchise plan.” He disclosed in a low tone. 

The Human Kite peered at him in astonishment. They group had been recently discussing what their ideas for ‘Cooniverse’ with each of them pitching their own movies and shows. The most recent additions, Super Craig, Wonder Tweek and Fastpass, were incredibly demanding for people with powers that were so lame. I mean Craig and Tweek didn’t even bother to come up with a decent superhero name and Jimmy was entirely relying on his paradoxical gimmick...

As much as everyone hated it, the Coon was the one calling the shots at the end of the day so the fact that he brought it up to his fellow hero was impressive at the least. Without a word, he pulled a notebook from a drawer underneath the table. He opened it in a page with a bunch of scribbles on it and showed it to the other. 

“Wow.” Kyle managed to say. He was genuinely in awe but mostly from how shitty Cartman’s writing was. Though he did see ‘Human Kite’ a few times here and there. 

“Yeah.” The Coon agreed, sounding proud of his work. 

“I get a movie in phase one?” The redhead inquired, pointing at the scribble with his alias on it. 

The Coon just stared back at him with the smuggest of expressions, so obviously wanting to receive gratitude from the kite-themed boy that it should’ve angered the latter so much. It would have, if it was a normal occasion but it wasn’t. The mischievous smirk and the sparkling brown eyes adorned by the cat ears made his nemesis look like...well, like a kitty. How unforgivable of him to do that.

Allured, Kyle had no choice but to lean in and bring their lips together. The unplanned kiss took the brunette by surprise, however it didn’t take long for him to reciprocate. It is their longest and most passionate by far and Kyle breaks it off because he’s starting to feel dizzy.

A forbidden combination of words formed in his mind and his brain started to scatter around for a logical explanation for his behavior just now. They had been giving each other pecks for weeks now but this had evidently been a first for the both of them. Eventually, he settles for a meek “Make it two…?” as his gaze returned to the Coon.

The animalesque hero looked like he had been launched into the Milky Way without previous warning. Physically, he was there. Mentally? Probably not. “Sure…” He replied absently. 

“I’ll see you around then…Bye!” The Human Kite managed before storming off. He just ran and ran until he arrived at his house and closed the door as if a murderer was right behind him. While the illusion of safety took over, a panting Kyle slid off and fell on the ground.

After a good night of rest, the kid concluded it was just his hormones acting up. He was a growing boy after all. And if you added some completely healthy curiosity to it, the whole thing made sense. Totally normal needs for someone of his age. His developing brain just got confused by the stimulus. Not much else. He didn’t have feelings for Eric Cartman.

The Coon just happened to be a bit too cute, that was it.


End file.
